Unbearable pain


I can honestly not think of any words that adequately describes how I felt after witnessing my husband, who I vehemently believe to be innocent, be convicted and taken to prison. The once happy home was now a place of loneliness, darkness and sadness.

I had to keep going to work, I had lost my husbands income immediately and therefore paying the bills was a necessity. Bereavement leave doesn't include your husband being sent to prison. Even though actually I was going through a situation much worse than a bereavement.

Every night after work, I came back to a dark empty house, pulling on the drive, half-hoping my husband was still sitting in the window watching out for me coming home, as he used to do every day. As I unlocked the door, I craned though the glass in the door hoping there was a letter on the mat, massively disappointed if there wasn't, overjoyed if there was but then unable to read any word, as tears streamed down my face. I would then rush into the lounge, pausing upon entry, hoping the answerphone would beep and there would be a message from Harry. Even though most of the messages were inaudible because he would break down as soon as he tried to say the message he had obviously rehearsed in his head, it was just so nice to hear his voice. He would often say he was just leaving me a message so I had someone at home when I got back, as he was so sorry I was on my own. Many nights I can't remember whether I stopped crying, not helped by playing his messages on the answerphone on repeat.

I washed Harry's clothes that were in the washbasket, ironed them and put them away. It was hard not to leave tear stains on them. As I put his clothes away, I questioned what I should do with his belongings, his toothbrush in the bathroom or his towel hanging on the bathroom door. I thought maybe I could fold all of his clothes and put them in the suitcases in the loft but as I took one out of the wardrobe, I remembered the last time he wore it and how happy we were, so I just put it back in the wardrobe. I couldn't pack my husband away, I was actually getting some comfort from still having my husband around me.


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